My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Randomize
