I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
