You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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