my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
