Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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