I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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