So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
