last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
