That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
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