I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
