this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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