we have pet lesbian snakes
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
