I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
