Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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