He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
