my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
