My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
so much tequila, so little girl.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
