Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
