Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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