i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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