I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
