Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
