i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize