I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
