If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
