Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
