college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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