i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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