I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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