Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
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