the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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