My Higher Power is John Stamos
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
