I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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