woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
