also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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