Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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