***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
