I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
