I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Randomize
