you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
