Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
