So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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