well I can't set my house on fire every night
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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