a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
