matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
