We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
