apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
