You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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