The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
