I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
