I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Randomize
