She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
