I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
