went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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