Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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