please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
