So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
