I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize