don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
