Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
