Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
