My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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