It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
