Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
