I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
