I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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