dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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