now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
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