My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
