Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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