we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
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