On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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