I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Randomize
