3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Randomize
